Silenced
by Silenced Angel
Summary: Let me smile and laugh in joyous rapture whilst I hide my tears behind my mask as it rains crimson pain. Let me slowly lose hope and die whilst all I lived for fades away in vain.
1. Tears

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Silenced

Prologue: Tears

By: Silenced Angel

October 2, 2001

No… Not again. 

She couldn't go through this again. She closed her eyes, wishing that she could disappear, and when she opened her eyes, she would be gone, disappeared into nothingness. But no, she knew that wouldn't happen, she wasn't that lucky. No.. she wasn't…

She silently lay in bed, not making a sound. She closed her eyes once more. Maybe if she pretended she was asleep he wouldn't come. Maybe if he thought that she was peacefully resting in slumber, he wouldn't force her to…

Her bedroom door opened. 

She squeezed her closed eyes tighter shut. Her heart began to pound faster against it's cage, harder. Maybe she had just imagined it. Maybe it wasn't true. Sounds of footsteps reached her ears as they came closer to her bed. A soft shuffling of slippers against the hardwood floor. The sounds stopped just at the foot of her bed. She didn't open her eyes. She wished for the person away. She wished for him to not do this to her. She wished with all her might but…

"Sakura." The voice was deep and full. A voice of a man. 

She felt as if her heart stopped for a single moment as that voice reached her ears. She knew that as much as she wanted _this _to not happen, she would be coerced into it. She didn't have a choice, she knew, and that made this all the more painful. 

She opened her eyes and saw a full grown figure from the corner of her eyes. Her eyes moved to the figure and she saw him standing there, completely indomitable. She felt her heart fill with virulent rage and she wished for that rage to kill her. If it did, she wouldn't have to do what she was about to do. 

Sitting up on her bed, she fixed her eyes to his and pleaded with him, her eyes brimming with unfeigned tears. Still he stood there, waiting. Slowly, she stood up from the bed and planted her feet unsteadily on the ground a few feet in front of him. 

The man moved aside and continued to wait, silently telling her to go first. She looked to the ground, as she began to plod to the door. On her way, her eyes wandered to her desk to the tiny desk drawer. How she wished her guardian was still here. How she wished for him to return from wherever he might be and save her from what was about to happen.   
  
She tore her gaze from the desk drawer as she passed through the doorway, and slowly continued down the hallway to the master bedroom. She passed by the closed door of her brother. He couldn't save her, just as her missing guardian couldn't. No, he hadn't disappeared. He was at his nighttime job and was not to return until early morning the next day. She sighed heavily as she continued to make her way down the hall. She reached the end and paused, not wanting to enter the room. The door was opened and to her it was a doorway to hell. 

She entered and waited. 

He went inside the room and slowly closed the door behind him. 

He wasn't in any hurry, she noted. She laughed at herself in her mind, laughed bitterly at her ironic misfortune. _Of course he's not in a hurry, why would he be? _She laughed at herself again. 

"Sakura." The voice said again. It was ominous and unwelcome. 

She snapped out of her musing and looked up to find the man standing by the king sized bed. The pillows and blanket had been cleared on one side, as it always was when _this _was about to happen. She walked over to him. What other choice did she have?

She waited. 

A moment later, his hand, heavy and stern, rested on her shoulder and she froze. She had expected it, but it froze her blood nonetheless. She was scared. No, scared was not the word. She was horrified beyond possibility. 

"Father… please…" Her voice was unsteadily shaking. She felt his fingers at her chest and he slowly began to unbutton her nightgown. "please… don't…" She continued to plead, but he did not listen. He never did. 

The pace was torturing, so slow and unrushed. She knew this would happen, no matter how much she did not want it to, and she wished for it to hurry so that it would be over quickly, and she could return to her bedroom, the only place of solace. 

The buttons were undone and the man slid the nightgown off her, falling to a heap on the floor around her feet.   
  
Bare flesh. 

She closed her eyes tightly and waited, wishing with all her might; wishing to all the stars, to let this torture end soon. 

~~~

She lay in bed once more. It was an hour later and yet sleep refused take her to the land of dreams, where she oh so desperately wanted to, no, _needed _to, go. Her dreams were the only place she could escape to. Her dreams were the only place she wanted to live in.   
  
Oh, how she hated herself. She hated herself for her frailty, her helplessness, and her inability to fight. She despised herself, loathed every single fiber in her body; every molecule of her being. 

She sat up and walked to the bathroom. _This pain is too much for me. I can't last any longer. _She didn't have to remain silently cautious as she made her way to the bathroom. He would be asleep, she knew, too tired to stay awake. _Yes, he _would_ be tired. _The voice in her mind was as sharp as knives and just as deadly. 

She closed the door behind her as she flipped on the light. She found herself staring at her reflection. This wasn't anything knew. No, nothing new by far. This was a routine. Such a horribly tedious routine…

Trails of tears stained her alabaster skin and redness rimmed her glassy emerald-like eyes. She was at the pinnacle of her pain and she needed release. She needed it more than anything. Reaching for the bathroom cabinet, which hung on the wall to her left, she opened it and reached inside with a shaking hand. She realized that it wasn't just her hands that were uncontrollably shaking. Her knees buckled and threatened to give out from under her, and her heart pounded against her chest. Yes, she _did _need this release. 

Moving aside the bare necessities naturally found within a bathroom cabinet, she searched until she was awarded by the object she so desperately looked for. A tiny razor blade, thin, but sharp. Yes, it would do it's job just fine. The light glinted off it's metallic surface as she closed the cabinet door and brought up her right hand.

This wasn't premeditated, but there was not a hint of hesitation in her actions. Pulling up the sleeve of her silky nightgown revealed her wrist. Cuts, carelessly made, scarred her delicate skin. Some painfully deep, some hastily shallow. Some old and scarred, some fresh, the color of blood. 

Not hesitating, not even faltering in her movements, she brought the blade up to her wrist and slowly cut deeply into her flesh. At once blood flowed out, carrying the pain from within her heart. 

Once. 

Twice. 

Three times she repeated this. Each cut as deep as the other and just as long. Wave after wave of emotional pain flowed along with the blood once entrapped within her veins. She unconsciously dropped her arm to her side. She didn't feel the physical pain these cuts were supposed to bring. No, she welcomed it. 

A moment of silence. 

Then the sound of blood mixed with salty tears dropping on the tiled bathroom floor reached her ears. It was terribly faint, faint to the point where no one would normally hear, but she heard them. She didn't notice the slow trickling of crimson pain as it snaked it's way down her arms, to her hands, and to the tips of her fingers, only to fall on the cold unforgiving floor. 

One would think that this emerald-eyed, auburn-haired teen, with skin as fair as snow, would need only cut a little deeper to end this pain, but that never was her intention. She never intended to leave this world behind, leaving her friends and brother, the only ones she truly loved, with the burden of eternal sorrow and loss. She could never do that to them. She was the benefactor. She would never dream of causing them pain. 

So, for them, she lives this life. As painful as it might be, she _will _live it for them. 

~*~

Sleep had finally taken her only an hour ago, but she awoke to be greeted by the sunlight shining through the tiny slits of her blinds. How she scorned the sun. It was looked upon to be a good omen, the sun, it was a sign of happy days, with no worries. She hated it. 

She did not need to rub sleep from her eyes, for she wasn't asleep long enough for it to accumulate. Instead her emerald eyes fluttered open and she stood up and stretched. She wasn't ready to face this day, not by far. With the heavy burden she locked away in her heart, she wasn't ready to face anything, but she knew she must, so she will.   
  
She got dressed and fixed her hair, leaving it simple but nice. She then walked to the bathroom and washed her face with cold water to chase away the puffiness that was the result from crying. She sighed as she took one last look at her reflection before facing to head out the door to go downstairs, where she was sure she would find her brother, taunts ready, while fixing breakfast with… with her father. 

It was time to put on her mask…

To Be Continued…

Author's Notes: I don't really know why I bother putting an A/N here, since this fic is self-explanatory. Reviews are welcomed and appreciated, but most welcomed are constructive criticisms. Flame me if you must, I don't really care. I write this for myself, and only chose to post it to get opinions. 


	2. Confrontation

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Silenced

Chapter One: Confrontation

By: Silenced Angel

August 13, 2002

Author's Notes:

I had initially discarded the thought of placing author's notes in here for I thought that the fan fiction itself was pretty self-explanatory, but I suppose I was wrong. If you cannot accept the simple fact that this actually does happen to people in reality, you need to not read this fic and touch down to reality from where you've hidden yourself in a self-deluded fantasy world. It sounds harsh, I know, but I do not appreciate the fact that I have gotten emails stating how "sick-minded" I was. Others have written on far more offending topics and haven't had to fend off a single criticism. I completely appreciate constructive criticisms, comments, or concerns, but flat-out stupid comments are just utterly ridiculous. 

I apologize for any who have waited for this fic, though I doubt many have and probably have forgotten about, for such a long while. I do have a life, as I am sure many others do as well and can sympathize with me. With that said, please read on.

***

Kinomoto Sakura. 

Sixteen years old, altruistic, vivacious, and divinely beautiful. No one could deny that fact. She was the embodiment of the quintessence of beauty. Silky alabaster skin, perpetually smiling lips, flowing auburn locks, and emerald eyes, whose brightness rivaled the sun. She was a blithe, carefree teen, a cheerful presence always surrounding her. 

Was that all there was to her? No, surely not. She was all that and more, but all that was an insidious guise to hide the emotions she had been hiding for years. Under her mask, she was tired, lonely, and incredibly disconsolate. She was suffering under that mask, slowly deteriorating, slowly cracking, until those pieces fell apart, and continued to break apart still into smaller pieces until it disappeared into nothingness. That was her. That was the girl Sakura was. And she was so deft in hiding it. So nobody knew. Everything was hidden under that mask of sparkling eyes and bright smiles. 

~~~

"Sakura-chan!" The voice called out, sonorous, and annoyingly cheerful. Sakura turned around to greet it with a smile, and happiness dancing in her eyes, hiding the unbearable pain behind it. 

A girl with natural grace ran to her, smile wide, amethyst eyes sparkling. Daidouji Tomoyo, her best friend. Funny how Sakura referred to her as her closest friend, when she knew nothing of her inner feelings. A best friend was supposed to be one on whom you could call upon with your problems. She was supposed to be the one on which you can depend on to comfort you in your time of need when tears fell freely. She was supposed to know all your secrets, light or dark. Tomoyo was these things, but she was lacking. The only secret Sakura kept from her, Sakura was greatly ashamed of, so she could never tell. 

"Tomoyo-chan! Hi!" Her skill was amazing. Tomoyo had never suspected anything throughout all these years. That made her heart even heavier. 

"I was wondering if you want to come over today! I designed some new clothes that would look great on you! You really must come, unless of course you have a date with Syaoran!" The girl giggled, it was melodious and cheerful still. Sakura abhorred it. 

If Sakura were the same person that she was four years ago, the last comment would have made her blood rush to her face, and color it red. But she wasn't that naïve little girl any longer. She had changed exponentially and it wasn't for the better. She endured hardships that no one had ever known, she faced suffering no one could ever comprehend, and she felt pain that no one could ever survive; only herself. Her sad, unfortunate self. 

Kinomoto Sakura had once been what one would call innocent, and naïve. How ironic that she still acted the part when she was far from it. She no longer held the adorable naiveté that people had found so painfully cute. She had seen and experienced far too much to remain naïve. She was also no longer the innocent child everyone loved and strived to protect. Oh, they still loved her. They loved her very much, and fought with a passion to protect her from the harsh cruel world. Hah, how they failed miserably. They thought to protect her from the world, but had they ever thought to protect her within the boundaries of her home? Of course not, why would they? No, her innocence and naiveté was long gone, forcefully stolen from her just like her virginity. Oh, the sweet ironic world. Clandestine and undeniably unpredictable. 

Her words faltered for a moment, and thankfully the latter didn't notice. "Of course not, Tomoyo-chan. I'll come over to try on your clothes. I'm sure they're all wonderful, as usual!" Her voice held too much energy, too much alacrity, was too happy, and it made her sick. How much longer will this charade last? How much longer will _she _last? All will reveal itself in due time. 

~~~

The phone rang. It was faint, barely audible through her closed doors, but she heard it nonetheless. Not caring, she turned over on her side as she stared at the walls, her expression dull. Through the dark, she saw nothing, but that didn't bother her in the least. The darkness was something important to her for it held something valuable: protection.

Soft knocks tapped against her door and a second later the door opened a crack. "Sakura? Are you awake? Someone's on the phone for you."

Her brother. She didn't answer. The constriction around her throat, the heaviness of her heart, and the tears in her eyes forbade her to speak, lest she give herself away in her moment of weakness. Thinking she was asleep, the door was once again closed and she was left in the dark. 

Too tired… she was just too tired. Displaying the same monotonous façade every single day always left her drained and yet restless when night came, and she just could not continue it right now. She gripped her wrist tightly, as if in frustration, and only winced momentarily when she felt the blood flow from the open cuts. She shouldn't do that, she knew. Oh, she wasn't worried about the pain it would bring. No, she hardly noticed that. She was more worried of the fact that it might stain her sheets or pillows and then her brother would be asking countless of questions in which she could not answer. 

Heaving a sigh, she slowly stood up, as if the feat itself was an arduous one, and she reached under her bed to grab the hidden stash of bandages she kept. She wrapped her wrist tightly in the soft white gauze, her treatment of the wound anything but careful. Only then did she return to bed, and let her tears lull her to sleep. 

~~~

She awoke before the sun rose in the horizon feeling completely refreshed in body, however not in mind. It helped that she had actually gotten eight hours of sleep, as opposed to the usual couple of hours. She didn't sit up though, only lay there with her eyes closed, praying she could go back to sleep. How wonderful it would be to just lay there and wallow in self-pity, but no. Instead she must go through the damn dilatory routine that she went through everyday. Sakura gave a sigh before opening her eyes once more. Sitting up, she slowly brought her hands up, as if they were weighed down by heavy lead weights, and began to undo the gauze from her right hand. She felt relieved when she had taken off the blood stained gauze and saw that the wounds had scabbed. 

'Now I don't have to wrap it.'

Walking to the trashcan by her table, she carefully placed it in under several pieces of paper to hide it from view. She made her way back to her bed and sat down, thinking about the coming up day.

It was Saturday. Two days ago, Syaoran had asked her if she had wanted to go out for the day, and of course, she agreed. What else could she do? Although it took more energy for her to make her act convincing, for he knew her well and wasn't as easily fooled, she somehow found solace from her problems, if only for a while, when she was with him. When he held her in his arms, she felt the heavy burden become lifted away in tiny portions, albeit, very slowly. When he smiled at her with a smile she knew he reserved only for her, she felt that the cold emptiness she felt in her heart began to fill once more. And whenever he kissed her, she felt the pain subside, kept at bay with his love for her. 

Yes, she loved him, but would he love her if he found out?

She scoffed at the thought. She highly doubted it. How could he? If he was ever to discover the truth, surely he would be as thoroughly disgusted with her, as she was with herself. If ever he was to see her wrists, he would hate her for being so weak as to afflict herself with wounds. If he ever found out that she had kept such a thing from him for all these years, she was sure she would never hear those three words come from his lips again. And suddenly, the anxiousness that had built up within her at the thought of seeing him today flew out the window, along with the hope that had been growing that today would actually be a carefree day, with no pain, no tears, and no worries.

~~~

It had been bothering him for the past few hours, and still he remained quiet. He told himself that if she had wanted to tell him, she would have already, and he didn't want to force her to talk about it. But it still didn't stop his concern over the dullness in her eyes, where usually it shone with bright luster. He had noticed as soon as he first set eyes on her when he opened his door that something was wrong; something was bothering her. She was usually much more open, so he decided to wait it out. But, as they silently walked through the park, he just couldn't take it anymore. 

He looked at her, noticing her downcast eyes and her arms wrapped securely around her. He saw her shiver and wondered why, for the shirt she wore were long-sleeved and the sun was shining brightly, making it a perfect afternoon. Giving a sigh, not being able to wait for her any longer to voice her feelings, he stopped in his tracks and asked her the question that had been plaguing his mind since that morning.

"Sakura, what's wrong?"

She stopped but didn't turn around. He noticed that her posture had become rigid, and she seemed to build a barrier around herself. She didn't turn around when she answered, still keeping her eyes transfixed on the ground.

"Nothing. I'm just tired, that's all." Trying to convince him, she looked over her shoulder and flashed him a brief smile before turning back around and continuing their walk.

"No, Sakura, there's something bothering you. What is-" He had grabbed her arm to stop her from walking away from her, though none too gently, but his words were stopped when she cried out in pain. His eyes widened in horrible realization that he had somehow hurt her, and before she could stop him, he took one step closer to her and pulled back the sleeve of her shirt.

His mouth immediately dried, and he found himself staring in mute shock and horror as his eyes washed over the precarious array of criss-crossing scars that decorated her arm. He opened his mouth to speak but the words refused to be spoken. He felt his heart tighten painfully at the sight, and for a reason he couldn't apprehend, anger rose in him to dangerous heights. 

She said nothing to him, horror silencing her as it had him, as she realized that finally, he knew. She wanted to pull her arm from his offending grasp, but found that she couldn't. She wanted to give him an explanation, but found that even if she could, her shaking voice would have made her words incoherent. She wanted to do _something_, but instead, she just stared dumbly where her arm was still in his possession.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of openly staring, he found it in himself to softly mutter three words.

"What is this?"

To Be Continued…


	3. As of yet untitled

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Silenced

Chapter Two: As of yet untitled

By: Silenced Angel

December 24, 2003

Please read the author's notes at the end of this teaser. It's rather important. Thank you.

***

She ran from him. He had broken the spell that had transfixed her to the ground when he asked her that simple question, and when he did, she did the only thing that she could. She ran as fast as her legs could go. She hadn't a clue as to where she was going, but she didn't care. All that she knew was that she had to get away from him at all cost. 

How ironic was it that merely hours ago, the thought of him saying three simple words to her filled her with the hope that she thought was long gone. How ironic was it that when he did say three words to her, it caused her pain to double instead…

Somehow, after what felt like an eternity of running, she had outrun him and stopped. Only then did she break down on the ground and begin to cry, not caring where she was or who was watching. The only thought that occupied her mind was that he knew, and the only emotion that resided in her heart was the almost tangible pain. Nothing had prepared her for this. Once she thought that the situation could not possibly get any worse, today had proved her wrong. So, there she sat on the ground, crying for all she was worth until finally the sun bid a farewell.

~~~

Sakura had walked home after realizing that it was late. She didn't care for her disheveled state, nor did she stop even a moment when her brother saw her walk through the door and began to question her. Without a word, the broken angel just kept walking, her feet heavy, her mind in a daze as it taunted her with questions of their own. She fell into bed the minute she closed the door behind her and stayed there, completely immobile like a broken doll. 

'So… now he knows…'

How could this have happened when she had done so much, worked so hard, to keep this from them all? How could she have been so stupid to think that he wouldn't notice when she knew that he noticed all that concerned her? But now that he knew, how long would it be until the others found out? How long will it be until they realized the truth of what has been happening to her?

Would they hate her? For keeping this secret from them, would they hate her and look at her with distrust? Or would they scorn her, an impure being, needing none of their attention or love? 

__

Riiiing! 

She could hear the phone ring through the door, and she knew instantly who it would be. Quickly, her mind began to frantically conjure reasons why she would not want to speak to _him_, excuses why she would want to avoid _him_. However, it was all in vain for her state of mind had been made non-existent by those words spoken by him. So instead, she lay there like the broken doll that she was, and ignored her brother's entrance. Her eyes were dry, though a dam of tears seemed to swell behind her closed lids and want to overflow.

"Sakura…"

His voice was hesitant as he carefully treaded on the soft plush rug and gently sat at the edge of her bed so as to not wake her. Her eyes remained lightly closed, willing for her features to relax and seem peaceful so as to not betray herself to him. Trembling hands reached to her face and tenderly caressed her once tear stained face. Struggling to stay her composure, she crushed the impulse to drop the façade and take the comfort that he offered. Instead, she did the only thing she could do and listened to him bare the contents of his heart.

"What's happened to you? The light… the one within you was once so bright. I can feel it, you know? Slowly dying, bravely trying to stay lit against the harsh winds, but slowly failing and losing resolve."

'Was there ever such a light within me? Did it truly exist?'

"We were close once. Now it's like you've been stolen from me, only to be replaced by a poor copy of what you once were. Please, let me in." 

'What would I let you in to? There's nothing left of me.'

"Depend on me again and let me protect you…"

With that last phrase, he reluctantly stood and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. The sound of the door shutting close seemed so final, as if that action alone severed the only remaining bond she held with her brother. And it was that thought that caused the dam of tears to break free and unabatedly run it's course.

~~~

She waited in the park the next day, unsure of her intentions, but knowing that she could no longer hide and conceal the truth. He would be there, she knew. The love he felt for her was too strong for him to put the matter aside and not acknowledge it.

'Is it love he feels for me? Could it truly be pure, untainted love? No… it cannot be… how can it when-'

Her thoughts were interrupted as she felt his presence behind her. It was strong and dominating, as it always was, but this time something was different. His confidence was shaken and she could almost feel the tangible confusion swirling inside of him. 

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Author's notes:

Well, it certainly took me long enough to update this story, didn't it? I'd like to apologize for that and hope that you all can forgive me. Truthfully, I planned on discontinuing this story, but yesterday, I had the sudden urge to write more to it, and so I did. 

This update is just a teaser so that I can see if anyone is still following this story. If you are, then I commend you for your patience, and thank you for waiting. I still might not continue this fic if there aren't many people following it, because I'm a busy person and have things to do. However, as I do enjoy writing this, I hope that's not the case.

Another thing I'd like to point out is my e-mail address. If ever you e-mailed me, I'm sorry that you didn't get a response. Seeing as it's been so long since I've checked my e-mail, I've forgotten the password to the old on and had to create a new account. So please write me at FadingFireflies@hotmail.com with your comments and concerns. I'd love to hear them. Thank you.


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